Written by Quentin Dynamite
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Sunday, 25 November 2007

image for Willy Wonka To Lead Tory Election Campaign
Wonka - Stupid Shirt

David Cameron has hired fictional character Willy Wonka to lead the party to victory at the next election.

Mr Wonka, 87, described the appointment as "an honour and a challenge", adding that he was "sure my team of bizarre assistants can add a little sparkle to the normally tedious process".

Mr Cameron has been involved in secret talks with Wonka at The Magical Chocolate Factory for the past few weeks. The Factory - not to be confused with Andy Warhol's Factory, which housed drug addicts, transvestites and Liberal Democrats - has been buzzing with excitement at the prospect. Head of Marzipan Production, Mr Squiddly Diddly Doo, began forming a human triangle along with his vertically-challenged comrades, singing, "Oompah loompah dippety doo, we're gonna crush the Commies for you".

Upon hearing this, Mr Cameron laughed, but pointed out that it was unfair to label Mr Brown as a 'Commie': "The Prime Minister may very well support the nationalisation of: A) the railways, B) the beautiful fields, rivers and heaths of England, and C) everyone in the world's bank accounts, but I think that to describe him as a left-wing, thieving, Neo-Marxist dictator is a little unkind. I too have heard rumours that he wants to force the British people to form Soviets, and make intellectuals work in rice fields, but one has to take that sort of thing with a pinch of salt. It was, however, in the Daily Express - a newspaper not renowned for exaggerating - so you never know".

Mr Wonka, who is in truth merely a fictional character, revealed some of his plans for forthcoming campaigns: " ", said the confectionary magnate, adding - with a wry grin - " ".

Wonka follows an illustrious line of Conservative campaign managers, including Genghis Khan, Ming The Merciless and The Green Cross Code Man. From his London home last night, Mr Cross Code was jubilant: "It's great news for the people of Britain. Look right, look left, but look right again if you don't want to get run over by evil socialists".

Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who was in Siberia opening a new salt mine for people who have more than ten pounds in the bank, laughed off the Wonka appointment: "If the Tories think they can fool the proletariat by signing up a capitalist confectionary lackey, then they've got another thing coming. Would you mind if I nationalised your pants, by the way?"

Mr Cameron was last night unavailable for comment, due to prior commitments, including running to the North Pole on his teeth and saving three budgies from enforced slavery, rumoured to have been ordered by Ken Livingstone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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