Canterbury -- The Most Reverend and Right Honourable Dr. Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, is taking the Church of England in a bold new direction. "It is time," he said, "and I feel it is right that religious worship return to it's beginnings. Consequently, the Church of England will be instituting blood sacrifice during Sunday services.
During Biblical times, blood sacrifice was common place in Hebrew worship. It is symbolic of the sacrifice of God in providing a Saviour for a broken world. "Christ's sacrifice was all about the spilling of innocent blood. This reinstitution of an old practice will focus peoples minds on the horror of the crucifixion and recommit them to Christ every week." said the Archbishop.
The new practice will involve the priest holding up a virgin lamb before the congregation and the congregation chanting, "kill it, kill it." At which point the priest will take out a knife and plunge it through the lambs heart, spilling the blood upon the alter of the church.
RSPCA spokeswoman Pippi Taylor was outraged and announced a 10 billion pound law suit against the Church of England and the the Most Reverend Dr. Williams. "This is brutal murder," she crowed. "I'll tell you that this has more to do with the Williams family lamb farm falling on hard times than actual religious practice."
When questioned about the financial situation at his brothers, Pete Williams Baby Lamb Farm, the Archbishop recoiled, exclaiming: "You are all piranhas. This is about Church and nothing else. Leave me be or you'll all be judged by God!" He slammed his door and has refused to answer his door since. The new practice of blood sacrifice is scheduled to begin in January 2008.