London - (Ass Mess): Princess Diana was convinced a hi-tech brain implant was being used by MI5 to monitor her thoughts according to her former private secretary.
"She once told me that a micro-receiver was inserted into her full frontal cortex via her ear while she was under sedition in Balmoral Castle," Michael Gibbon told the royal coroner's court today.
"Then one of her therapists claimed that for a fee of £250,000 he could hook Diana up to a state-of-the-art scanner stolen from the CIA, locate the pesky bug and neutralise it.
"She became convinced MI5 was watching her every move and was planting subliminal suggestions in her mind to act stupid in public," Gibbon added as a frisson of nervous tension ran through the packed courthouse.
"The Princess then became worried that the implant had somehow worked its way out of her brain straight down into the nether regions," Gibbon continued.
"Another therapist soon recommended a course of colonic irrigation to oust the little bugger.
"This really freaked her out and started a right royal palaver that made Diana was utterly hooked on the whole pathetic nonsense."
The inquest continues.