Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Sex

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

image for Husband guilty of sexual breach of the peace for making love to wife in hotel room
"Do not disturb" sign means nothing in Scotland

Following last week's loony decision by a sheriff in Scotland that a man who masturbated with a bicycle in a hotel room was guilty of sexual breach of the peace, another sheriff has found an Englishman guilty of the same offence for having sex with his wife in the privacy of his hotel room.

Mr. John Smith, 51, was celebrating his silver anniversary with his wife, Anne, by driving up to Scotland and spending a weekend by Loch Lomond. However, Mr. Smith said that their stay at the Haggis Hotel was a nightmare.

"There wasn't anything on the menu but haggis and the local residents played their bagpipes into the night. On the second day, we decided to have a lie-in, and got friendly. Despite a Do Not Disturb sign, the cleaners burst the door down, saw us in the act of love-making and citizen's arrested us. They took no action against the woman next door whose sex toy kept us awake at night."

One of the cleaners justified the intrusion by saying that the Smiths were still in their room at 6.30am rather than climbing a mountain or going fishing, like all their other residents.

Sexual breach of the peace is a peculiarly Scottish crime which means that if anyone catches you doing something sexual, you are guilty of a crime. Mr. Smith was given 2 years probation and put on the sex offenders' register for life, which means he loses his job as a headmaster.

"To add insult to injury", he lamented, "they confiscated my wife under the Proceeds of Crime Act."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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