Buckingham Palace, London - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): After successfully steering the hideous tightrope of today's Westmonster Abbey Thanksgiving Service to mark 60 years of public deception wedding whoppers the Puppet Monarch has summoned her guards amid psychotic fears about the proposed honeymoon re-enactment.
"He's bound to try putting viagra in my bedtime Whorelicks again," Old Fatty Mountbatten warned her Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon, referring to the nightmare scenario of Philip's proposed legover plans.
"Last time I had to fight him orf with a hatpin," the doppelganger daughter of Adolf Hitler raged, "and threaten him with a damned good hiding.
"But that only spurred him on to even lewder acts of depravity.
"I want a trained marksman armed with the Rhinoceros House stun gun from London Zoo tonight, hidden behind the four-poster curtains.
"At the slightest sign of any conjugal nonsense I order him to shoot at point blank range.
"Furthermore I want all my food and drinks tested for adulterant contaminants.
"Wouldn't put in past that tosser Charles to try again to poison me with some of his organic hemlock compounds.
"And if my worst fears are realised and you find me in a state of rigor mortis in the morning I want Philip's bastard son Tony Blair sent to the Tower for insisting I go through this ludicrous charade."
Prime Monster Gorgon Brown is apoplectic at the news.