The England manager, McLaren, has FORGOTTEN that he's McLaren, according to sources.
Following England's defeat at the hands of lowly Pop, Dick And Harry, the FA became concerned for the manager's mental health, after he disappeared from the dressing room in a speedboat. The FA chairman, Chief Ironsides Off The Television, said: "No-one knows where McLaren is. After the match, he seemed to be behaving a little strangely. I, myself, put it down to nerves, but then he came into the dressing room wearing high heels, and blowing one of those hooter things - the ones you usually blow on New Year's Eve. When I pulled him aside, he said that "everything will be alright when the gladiators arrive", and hoisted himself into the boat. Then he was gone".
This isn't the first time Mclaren has acted a little strangely following a match. In 2006, following the 172-0 defeat by Blackpool, he:
- DROVE a scooter into Harrods, claiming he was Batman;
- COMBED his hair with a lawnmower, and;
- WORE some trousers.
Former England manager, The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, said: "Yes, it's all a little sad. I know just how he feels, though. When Charles Laughton played me in that black and white film, and the crowd started throwing rotten figs at me, it was only because I had the love of Esmerelda I didn't go mad. McLaren will soon come home, I feel. His speedboat is actually a clockwork one, and the spring will soon run out. Don't you worry".
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of McLaren can dial the McLaren Hotline on: 999. The public can also email ThePolice.com@ThePolice with information. All calls will be treated confidentially, and the first name out of the hat wins a year's supply of Subbuteo Vodka.