Written by Dan Holmes
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Monday, 29 March 2004

image for Margaret Thatcher goes - to Heaven
God knows, I'll get him sorted

Hendon residents were astonished today to see a figure in golden robes, surrounded by cherubim and seraphim and accompanied by hosts of angels plucking their harps, rising slowly from the earth on a silver cloud. Gawping housewives hanging out their washing, staggering pensioners on their way to the library, traffic wardens slapping tickets on over-parked BMWs, all were gobsmacked as they watched the glorious vision head slowly heavenwards.

"I ain't never seen nothin' like it" said Hendon housewife Brianna O' Spears, once she had sobered up. "There I was hangin' out me smalls and the next thing you know there's this cloud thingy, all silver like, with this golden figure on it, arms outstretched, and the sound of holy music washin' all over us. Me and Mrs O' Reilly from next door. I tell you we fell to our knees in praise as we realised that this was the figure of the Holy Mother, the Blessed Margaret Thatcher, making her way to the Gates of Paradise. God be thanked."

"It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen" said Father Oliver St John Fogarty O'Flaherty Wills Wilde Yeats, of St Gobs Church in Hendon. "My housekeeper Mrs Dale was buffing the front step when she saw the apparition, and naturally called me immediately as the resident religious expert. I of course saw it for what it was straight away - the apotheosis of the greatest woman of the last millennium. There she was, like a fucking Martian heading back to the home planet, glowing like a Roman Candle and with celestial music flooding the air. I think it portends the Second Coming."

Tony Blair was ecstatic. "At last", he said, "my model and political mother has achieved what she always wanted. To sit on the right hand of God, and not feel guilty about fingers in her lower portions. God Bless You, Mrs Thatcher - and keep my place warm. I's a-comin, Lordy lordy!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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