Trimdon Colliery, Sedgefield - (Ass Mess): Police probing the disappearance of scores of women from the 1970s onwards are continuing to dig up ex-Prime Monster Tony Blair's back garden at his former Sedgefield constituency house after two bodies were found this week.
"We think there could be up to a hundred corpses under the old vegetable patch," a senior detective said today.
"It's where he liked to spend a lot of face time on one-to-one canvassing, especially among the marrow beds.
"We think some of his deadliest political rivals might also be buried under the wisteria.
"He was always saying 'Just popping out to prune the creeper, Cherie!' when she asked him about the kitchen knife or the Chilean machete in his hand.
"Plenty of VIP visitors used to come up to the house during the Thatcher years to meet Labour's Golden Boy Wonder.
"We think he was careful to choose who he took for a tour around the herbaceous borders.
"If he'd already found a good ID theft lookalike from his KGB databank - like the Blunkett clone, the Gordon or the Mandy - he'd invite the real person up for a stroll at teatime and then wallop! A massive blow to the back of the head and straight into a newly prepared pit close to the compost heap.
"And then, by cunning prior arrangement, the new lookalike doppelganger would suddenly pop over the garden fence and say 'Hey Tony! Thanks for the garden tour. See you soon, tattie-bye!' or some such words.
"And nobody ever knew any different.
"Except the officers at the Serious & Disorgansied Crime Agency, of course.
"We know he topped Cherie soon after the wedding and replaced her with Thatcher's hideous daughter by Robert Maxwell.
"We think the body's buried under the old Ginko Bilboa in Trimdon, just outside the Working Men's Club.
"No wonder he's looking like he's shitting briicks at the moment."