Written by Arnie the Barbarian
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Topics: Bird Flu

Friday, 16 November 2007

image for HN51 Virus: Risk to Domestic Cats in Prospect
A Happy Dog Today

A radical group of ornithologists, The Great-Tits Appreciation Society, today issued a communique warning of the dangers to cats posed by the HN51 Bird Flu Virus.

Following the outbreak of the virus in Norfolk and Suffolk this week, the society has become concerned to the point of paranoia over the risk to what they describe as "probably the lowest number of Tits seen in Britain for decades".

They said that these popular birds have been suffering in recent years from predation by 'Felis Domesticus', the household fleabag (and friend to lonely old lesbian spinsters everywhere). The problem has become so severe in recent years that some members of the society have now been driven to take desperate steps to protect their feathered friends.

The Society claims that if the HN51 virus migrates into the Tits, then without a 'Kitty Cull', Britain may shortly be seeing its very last pair of Tits. A source within the Society claimed that he personally knew of at least three of his 'twitching' chums who had taken to beating the neighbourhood cats to death with iron bars, cricket bats, saucepans, bricks and, in one case, a sock filled with jelly - this latter method apparently takes longer but makes for good aerobic exercise if the cat is tethered to a tree with a 6 foot bungee cord about it's nether regions so you have to chase it a bit.

A spokesman, who was masked and disguised but bore more than a passing resemblance to Bill 'The Gut' Oddie off the telly, said he regretted the necessary slaughter of the cats, but at the end of the day he had always been "more of a Tit than a Pussy man" and anyway who really gave a toss about a few moggies which he described as "the spawn of Satan -or his cat at least".

Bernard Matthews is believed to have offered to buy any dead and "pre-tenderised" cats from the Society to form the raw material for a new product to be called 'Bernard Matthews Feline Faggots'. He says he expects to sell a great many to those he describes as "Dog People" to make up for all the lost turkey sales around Xmas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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