Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 17 November 2007

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Aww, look at 'em - little bleeders!

Organisers of the Children In Need charity appeal are in hot water over 'cheating' claims, when it was alleged that not all children are in need.

Government watchdog Offkid has said that many children are, in fact, NOT IN NEED of anything, and are more likely to be well-off than at any time in history. Some even have three or four games consoles, and huge numbers earn their own money through drug dealing or prostitution.

The claim comes the day after record amounts of cash were donated by the general public towards children's better welfare but, says, Offkid, many children are in need only of a cuff around the ear.

Offkid's Albert Goebbels said:

"Kids are too cheeky by half. Some of 'em need a good talking-to. Smacking is too good for 'em. This appeal is a sham."

But BBC in-house compere, Terry Wogan, who hosts far too many programmes for my liking, said:

"That's nonsense. Some children live in appalling states of poverty and squalor, and thousands more are used and abused each year. There's even a 10-year-old girl who lives near me who told me her dad limits her to £50 pocket money per week, and he won't even share his fags with her!"

Last night's BBC Appeal netted more than £64million and was helped along by the Spice Girls who performed their new single Give Us Your Cash live.

The charity is already in trouble over allegations that an online auction of the original Pudsey Bear to raise even more cash, was rigged. Police raided a warehouse near Pudsey last month, and found nearly 20,000 identical bears which, it is alleged, were being touted as the original mascot.

The Director of Public Prosecutions is expected to make an announcement soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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