Written by Erskin Quint
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Thursday, 15 November 2007

image for Parky To 'Out-Shrine' King Tut
Parky: The Shrine is Prepared

Nation's favourite avuncular chat show host, Michael 'Parky' Parkinson, 99, wants his final show - to be aired next month on ITV1 - to encapsulate all that the nation's sofa-dwellers love about him.

Old Parky, 105 - whose craggy image is based on the character Ardath Bey, played by Boris Karloff in the 1932 movie The Mummy - is determined to go out with a bang, living up to his nicknames 'The Stuffed Yorkshireman' and 'The Celebrity Mummy'.

Ancient Parky, 126 - who daren't visit the current Tutankhamun show at the Dome lest people think one of the exhibits has come back to life - wants a real pageant of fossilised cosy classic celeb-stereotypes to lurch across the UK's TV screens in a special guard of honour for 'Old Uncle Parky the Embalmed Mock Yorkshireman'.

Antediluvian Parky, 357 - who never seems to us to get older because he is as old as the hills and should be aged in geological timescales - is desperate for his own pyramid parade that will 'outshrine' King Tut's Dome extravaganza.

A source close to the leather-faced, grinning old sycophant said last night: 'Parky wants a bumper edition, packed with his showbiz mates, alive and dead, and studded with special 'Yorkshire' guests. He's made a good living out of being a cardboard Yorkshireman, playing golf with smug, self-congratulatory minor celebrities like Jimmy 'Tarby' Tarbuck, and gurning and cringing in the face of higher-octane egos. So he wants to honour all this in his last-ever show. It'll bring tears to the eyes of the UK's TV-addicts; they'll love having their stereotypes stroked and their safe social categories cossetted as only Parky knows how!'

In a Hammer Horror-worthy formaldehyde-fest, all the old favourites will return from the dead. Peter Ustinov, Peter O'Toole, Richard Harris, Diana Rigg, Georgie Best, The Goons, Shirley Bassey, Helen Mirren, James Stewart and Robert Mitchum are among those rumoured to be in line for a terminal dose of Parkyesque crawling and fawning. 'He'll dance with Miss Piggy to the music of Oscar Peterson, grapple with Rod Hull's Emu, trade banter with Eric Morecambe and swap drinking stories with Mike "and this is me" Yarwood' said my source, who was polishing Parky's sarcophagus while 'Im-ho-tep' Parky was having his bandages changed and fresh applications of myrrh and camphor were being applied to his mummified ego by nubian handwomen from Barnsley.

'The real killer will be the finale where Parky joins Tom Jones in a duet of "Green Green Grass of Home", gets drunk with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor and worships graven images of "Skinner" Normanton the Barnsley FC footballer and Fred Trueman the Yorkshire cricketer' revealed my source, carefully dusting a gilded wooden statuette of a Wensleydale cheese and a golden pair of clogs.

My source would not confirm, however, that centuries-old Parky, 543, would be entombed and enshrined at the end of the show along with all his guests, ready to make the final journey, the crossing from this increasingly-bewildering and damaged modern multi-cultural world, the crossing over to the 'Greater World' of 'Celebrity Yorkshire Paradise'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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