Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 17 November 2007

image for Bernard Matthews To Offload Cut-Price Turkeys In Bird Flu Clearout
A much better proposition for Christmas gobbling

A famous Norfolk turkey supplier, has announced plans to offload much of its stock in a lead-up-to-Christmas sell-out bonanza, with turkeys to be sold at a fraction of the price they would have been if they hadn't been infected with Bird Flu.

Bernard Matthews, 101, has said in an interview with Food Safety magazine, that nearly 90% of his birds, which include turkeys, chickens, ducks, geese and budgerigars, were contaminated with the deadly H5N1 virus, that has decimated flocks worldwide.

Bird Flu is, at some point, expected to engulf the human population by mutating into an even deadlier-than-deadly viral monster, and Matthews says he aims to protect his livelihood by providing customers with good, nourishing Christmas Fare, even if it is riddled with avian flu.

The Bernard Matthews Turkey Roast, traditionally served with roast potatoes, carrots, parsnips and a dab of cranberry sauce, will be reduced from £2.50 to just 45p, reflecting its toxic consequences. Other great offers include BM Turkey Steaks, which are now just 29p, and BM Turkey Burgers at an incredible 19p, or three for 50p.

Rejecting Health & Safety Executive claims that, by putting 'dodgy birds' on the market, he was condemning countless millions to death, Matthews writes in Food Safety that there is "little or nothing to worry about".

"They're Bootylicious!" he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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