Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: David Cameron

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

image for Dizzy David Cameron wants bigger wardrobe to store his new policies
David Cameron's shrinking wardrobe space. He stores some policies in suitcases above the wardrobe.

Tory leader David Cameron, who previously didn't have any policies, has recently accumulated so many that he needs additional wardrobe space to store them all, a confidante said.

The Tory spokesperson said:

"He's a policy-a-holic. He collects new policies on a daily basis. He doesn't know what to do with them all. He's been storing them under his bed, in his bathroom closet, behind the settee in his living room, but now he's run out of space."

Only this week, the fashion guru paraded his anti-rape policy before a bunch of applauding women. According to this policy, men who commit rape should be punished. Under existing laws, alleged rapists are given a free lunch and sent on their way, while the alleged victim is made to do the washing up.

In late October, Dizzy Dave, as he has come to be known in cat walk circles in New York, Paris and Milan, paraded an anti-immigration policy, under which fewer illegal immigrants would be allowed into the country. This policy was generally received well, though some critics called it a "size zero" and alleged there was "not enough meat on the bone".

Mr. Cameron has also introduced a policy dealing with inheritance tax, which rival designer Alistair Darling promptly nicked and pretended was his own. The latest addition to the Cameron wardrobe is a policy that says that local residents should be given a referendum on all council tax increases. This has gone down well with the Sun newspaper but has left many people wondering whether local residents should also be allowed to vote on council expenditure as well.

One local resident told us:

"I'm sick of voting. What with council elections, general elections, European elections and now cancelled elections, I don't get any time to spend with my family. I don't want to have to vote every time my council decides to wipe its arse."

Our friend and discredited psychiatrist Dr. Heinz Baked-Beanz told us:

"Zis business of accumulating policies reprezents vot vee in zee medical verld call psychological compensation. Clearly, ze man is compensating for ze fact zat he has a small veener."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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