Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 13 November 2007

image for Buxom Wenches Are Brainier Says Study
Einstein: Liked A Good Handful

Birds with bouncing breasts, bounteous buttocks and thunderous thighs have bigger brains than bony bints, claims an academic at Bognor University.

Girls with whopping wobbly bits- just like Page 3 fave babe Kelly, 20 - had more to offer than haggard lasses in tests carried out by Dr Hans Uppmann, who studied 15000 women in his laboratory, writes Suzi Slack.

The lucky boffin, 62, got his hands on all those willing females in a study that proves you don't have to look like Janet-Street Porter or Glenda Jackson in order to be a bright spark.

The Bognor team believe that voluptuous minxes have more omega-3 fatty acids in their swaying hips and lovely legs. And this makes their brains grow more than the brains of shrivelled, scrawny Kate Moss lookalikes, according to Dr Uppmann's data.

Relationships guru Irma Klunt, 47, of the Smethwick Tesco branch of the Citizens Advice Bureau, told us: 'It's a really positive message. Research like this is so valuable because it indicates that well-upholstered women may be able to do more than just have babies, cook, clean and tidy up after their men. These results suggest that you can be curvaceous, know how to make a man happy, and be able to understand him when he talks about the mortgage.'

The research comes at the same time as a magazine poll discovered that 93% of heterosexual males lust after 'real women', 74% prefer 'something with a bit of flesh on it' and only 2% were turned on by the idea of making love to a skeleton.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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