Conservative leader David Cameron is expected to call for the law to be tightened to ensure that more men are convicted of rape in court. In a shock announcement Cameron said it didn't matter if they were guilty, and that sound bites and conviction statistics were all that mattered.
In fact he had been subjected to a particularly aggressive 'reach-around' in Sainsburys only last month, and now wanted unwarranted 'reach-arounds' to be classed as an act of rape punishable by a return 'reach-around' from the victim of the initial 'reach-around'.
Cameron believes society has become increasingly "sexualised", and described how he was a eunuch and what a rewarding lifestyle he had as a fully operational eunuch. He went on to outline new funding for the NHS to create "eunuch departments" in every hospital,
Cameron stated that his party are looking into the legality of masturbation, and whether the human rights of someone's hand could constitute masturbating as an act of 'hand-rape'. Also, if a woman is tired and refuses her husband sex, but then he tickles the "budgie's tongue", "warms her up a little" and she comes round to the idea, is that second degree rape.
Its tricky political ground, but a potential vote winner amongst extremely stupid and excitable people.
Political commentators are calling this latest announcement "the usual pile of Cameron bollocks".