Clarence House - (Fetid Mess): Desperate HRH wannabe Kate Middleton has forked out a fortune to prove she's got blue blood somewhere along the line.
But after many months of toil genealogists have come up with a right royal shocker.
This shows Kate's heraldic links to the Yorkshire Ripper, whose mother, the Puppet Monarch, spawned him after a coke-fueled weekend bender with George Bush Senior.
And the Ripper in turn then shagged gormless ex-BBC gargoyle Angela Rippon who gave birth to BBC newsreader and Crimebotch presenter Fiona Bruce.
Then La Bruce herself shagged the Pretender to the Puppet Throne, with the end result being Kate Middleton.
"So it looks like we've found the missing link," a Debrats Peerage source said today.
The 25-year-old stick insect has since had a successful career impersonating Berkshire lass Kate Middleton.
Meanwhile the Middleton family can be traced back to Lady MacBeth and Lucrezia Borgia.
This, says the Daily Tosser newspaper, means Kate and her sister Pippa can 'claim bloody ties with every crowned head of Europe and the majority of the British peerage'.
Mrs Middleton's great-grandmother, one Mrs A Hitler, was also 10 generations in descent from the Marquis de Sade 'and therefore 16 generations in descent from Atilla the Hun'.
The connection means the attractive (sic) siblings are therefore related to every wannabe royal leech since daftass Lily Langtry made a career out of fellating King Edward VII on Saturday knights.