The Queen today announced Gordon Brown's insane programme of measures for the new parliament.
Clearly confused and poorly prepared, she read out a list of bizarre and unexpected measures, and at one point was heard to mutter 'shit me' under her breath when forced to declare that foreign terrorists are to be castrated and have their scrotal sacks surgically reattached to their heads, in what Gordon Brown described as 'a stark warning'.
Seeking to regain the political initiative was the order of the day, but analysts were left dumbfounded when The Queen was forced to splutter her way through a measure for Education that means anyone who isn't black, gay or bisexual will have to sit an '11Plus' style exam in order to receive any kind of education. Gordon Brown reinforced this with his 'vision' of an Eton full of lovely little black gays and lesbians playing together and achieving top grades.
The Conservatives were caught on the back foot. David Cameron responded,"Look at me, look at this face. If you don't want to punch this smug mug there is something wrong with you. I look like I am gargling a turd most of the time, and its blatantly obvious I couldn't give two shits about anyone except myself. Also, does anyone really believe this bike riding bullshit? Fuck me, someone get rid of me, I am such a twat."
A Conservative colleague, evidently using a pre-prepared statement, and without the brains to realise it was inappropriate, accused Mr Brown of "stealing" and "recycling" policies, and of "short-termism".
The Chancellor, Alistair Darling, was quoted as saying, "it looks like someone has removed two Brazilian pubic waxes and stuck them on my forehead. When I look in the mirror and I see my eyebrows I feel so stupid".
In a slightly less than convincing summation, The Queen stated ,"My government will take forward policies to respond to the rising aspirations of the people of the United Kingdom; to ensure security for all; and to entrust more power to Parliament and the people." But a microphone at the side of stage clearly picked up The Queen muttering that he (Gordon Brown) was 'a caber-tossing, mars bar battering buffoon, with a lopsided face and little piggy jowls'.