Palace of Westminster - (Sartorial Mess): Cynically dispensing with 1000 years of sartorial tradition the Puppet Monarch chose to wear a hideous off-white crimpelene dress with sleeves made of domestic cats' fur for today's State Opening of the Can of Worms.
A BBC TV camera zoomed in on the monstrosity and acknowledged that a dressmakers' label sticking out at the back confirmed everybody's suspicions of 'Made in Hong Kong'.
Parliamentarians then gasped with excruciating embarrassment as Old Fatty Mountbatten strutted in awkwardly "as if an incontinence pad had slipped again" according to a roving reporter in the Press Gallery.
Even the crown jewellery baubles were cubic zirconia replicas of the real bling that Ministry of Defence top brass refuse to allow out of their sight in the Tower of London after repeated attempts by the Puppet Throne to hock them at a South London pawnbrokers.
The speech took just nine minutes to read out in full and was met with deafening silence as the Palace of Westminster audience took in the full impact of the Impostor Monarch's words.
- A Bill to require youngsters to take out massive Northern Rock loans to finance their studies until the age of 18.
Legislation to set up a new quango to gag the true extent of Treasury loans to all the other terrorist organizations masquerading as bona fide UK banks.
A Bill to streamline the planning of more Labour Party whitewashes, cover-ups and fellatings of the Bush Family Evil Empire.
Legislation to create new hospital superbugs to kill off a lot more awkward NHS patients whose constant use of hospitals is costing the country a bomb.
Legislation to allow unclaimed money in dormant accounts in the Northern Rock Bank and elsewhere to bankroll MPs' pension funds.
A Bill to require employers to contribute to Labour Party think tanks probing the need for more unaccountable quangos.
A Bill to introduce a legally binding framework to reduce carbon dioxide emissions by slaughtering all the methan-emitting cows responsible for 80% of the world's global warming.
A Bill giving local areas the freedom to develop congestion charges to line local government pension coffers.
A Bill to strengthen terrorist prosecutions by adopting CIA-style torture practices which - somehow! - may not yet be available in the UK.
A Bill to introduce regulatory burdens on business with the creation of more daft ideas think tanks.
A Bill to introduce constitutional reform by excising Prince Charles' and Camilla's criminal records from NATO databanks.
Proposals to reform party funding and ensure no Prime Monster can ever again be investigated about trivia like Cash-for-Honors.
Legislation to protect depositors and ensure confidence in any worthless terror organization masquerading as a bona fide high street bank.
The full speech will be available later.