Buckingham Palace - (Rotters): The royal fleet of limousines including the Queen's flagship £250,000 Rolls-Royce Phantom has had to be fumigated after the corpulent king of Sordid Arabia's state visit ended with him commandeering it for the journey back to Heathrow Airport.
"We found a nest of gestating bedouin cockroaches behind the drinks cabinet," a Rentokill source said today, "which had been bled dry of a case of '42 Puligny-Montrachet, half a dozen Château Margaux 1966 and a two litre fun-pack of Jack Daniels.
"There were traces of e-Coli in the boot, C-Difficile in the glove compartment and an outbreak of Cryptosporidium on the gold-plated seat of the Phantom's en-suite lav.
"We had to strip the Phantom down to its innards and steam-hose it properly after the upholstery tested positive for Bluetongue and herpes.
"Who knows what was going on in the 12 mile trip from Buck House to Terminal Four."