The sensational Royal Blackmail Scandal has unmasked one of the oldest traditions of the British Monarchy: Knob Polishing.
The Spoof can reveal that 'Knob Polishing' has been going on behind the doors of Buckingham Palace since the Civil War.
It is believed the ancient practice was instituted by Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell - although in those heady days of 1657 it was known as 'Rubbing the Roundhead.'
Over the last 350 years the convention has been modified but present rules state that any polishing must be delivered by a specially-appointed aide.
Every morning the Man-At-Arms is required to enter the Royal bedrooms at the desired time and relieve his master's Glory.
In return he earns an annual wage of three casks of sherry and first dibs on naming the Queen's new Corgi.
However is it understood that Betty Two has been greatly upset that the illegal drug cocaine has tainted this grand old tradition.
She is now thought to be ready to relinquish the privilege on condition Gordon Brown gives her a sparkly new Crown.