Written by Gordon Bennet
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Monday, 29 October 2007

image for NHS announce plans to open first DIY Hospital
An artists impression of the first NHS DIY Hospital

Sam Wickes the Government Junior Health Minister announced plans today Monday 29th October 2007 that the first DIY Hospital was to be built for the NHS Trust.

"Talks have already been held with Barratt Homes as to the cost of the build which was to be designed by Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen".

On the mid morning News Mr Llewellyn-Bowen said "gosh this is exciting I must get in touch with Carol Smiley-Smiley to come up with some interior design plans".

Mr Wickes went on to say "B & Q the leading DIY Chain Store had been asked to provide the Government with their expert advice on which area of the UK was the most popular with DIY freaks".

"Total costs where expected to be minimal as practically every item required would be sponsored. Black & Decker and Stanley Tools had already secured the Operating Theatre Franchise. The beds in the Ward's Franchise had been put out to tender and it looked like Sleepeze would be favourite along with Dunlopillo".

"A lottery type show would be shown on the BBC and ITV whereby would be patient's could telephone a premium rate number to try and win an admittance".

Mr Wickes explained "this is how all new hospital's would be built in the future and that the cost to the Government would be absolutely ziltch as the profit from the premium rate telephone rip off would pay for all new buildings".

"Once admitted, patients would be able to do their own diagnosis, take x-ray's and decide for themselves if they required surgery".

Mr Wickes went onto say "I think I have thought of everything as while the patients are queuing for x-rays etc they could also be cleaning the Wards to ensure that the Hospital remained bug free".

"Finally the icing on the cake would be that all patients would be free to decide if they wished to be resuscitated saving the Tea Ladies from making the decision".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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