Buckingham Palace, London: (Constitutional Mess): A sex, drugs and blackmail plot to oust the Puppet Monarch has resulted in a dawn raid on a Buckingham Palace crack den according to police reports.
A quantity of narcotics was seized as well as incriminating videotapes showing Kate Middleton and Chelsy Davy demonstrating oral resuscitation techniques banned by the Geneva Convention as cruel and unusual.
Copies of a blackmail note were also seized in the Royal Mews basement orifice used for official business by Middleton and Davy, the on-off squeezes in waiting of the Pretender's sons (sic) William and Harry.
Officers from the Serious & Disorgansied Crime Agency and a contingent of the Met's Drug Squad pounced on the premises and found twenty kilos of crack cocaine, fifty bongs, one hundred Halloween-special crystal meth wraps, two large dustbin liners filled with Northern Lights Premium Grade Skunk and a packet of fruit gums.
The UK lunchtime TV news bulletin commented on the mess:
'The BBC understands the claims relate to a member of the family with a low public profile.'
Clearly they had seen the oral footage.