Written by david alsatian
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Friday, 26 October 2007

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FIRST MINISTER Alex Salmond last night revealed a controversial plan to turn Scotland into an economic powerhouse - taxing masturbation.

The SNP leader admitted the country would be "fucked" once its North Sea oil reserves dried up and insisted his proposal was the only way to avoid a financial meltdown.

Under Salmond's plan, every Scot would have a microchip inserted into their brain at a cost of £1000 per person.

This would then pick up on feelings of post-masturbatory guilt and send a record to a massive computer database. Each act of self-pollution would cost £1 and boffins calculate the scheme would have paid for itself inside a month.

Salmond knows the monkey-spanking tariff could be a vote loser but urged Scots to "look at the bigger picture".

He said: "The oil will run out eventually so why not make a packet from some other sticky liquid?

"Spending a grand on every microchip is a big outlay but that's only a thousand wanks. As a teenager, I'd get through that in under a month looking at my dad's empty cans of Tennent's Lager.

"Everyone complains about the youth of today giving nothing to their country so this would be the perfect way for them to give a helping hand, so to speak."

The plan was welcomed by the catholic church, who claimed it was a far greater deterrent to a "menage a une" than their claims of eternal damnation.

A spokesman said: "Now we won't have to make up stories about your willie falling off or going blind. Kids will think twice about having a sherman if it stops them having enough cash to buy a bottle of buckfast or 20 regal."

But Salmond's scheme was blasted by Scotland's burgeoning pornography industry.

Gordon McShandy, CEO of Barely Legal Tartan Drummer Girl Magazine, said: "This is going to hurt us. Free porn on the net has already eaten into our profits and we've had to reduce the cover price to two quid. Who's going to buy our grumble now it's going to cost an extra pound every time you liberate some filthy yoghurt?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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