Beleaguered bank Northern Rock, and its beleaguered boss Adam Applegarth, last night issued a beleaguered statement in one final desperate beleaguered attempt at explaining the crisis that has hit the beleaguered bank. In a strange and frantic move Applegarth has asked for forgiveness based on his Adult Vontouse Syndrome (AVS).
The cone-headed svengali of the bank has resorted to using his bizarre physical appearance to curry favour with City investors, blaming Adult Ventouse Syndrome (AVS) for his erratic behaviour and poor decision making. The cone headed Applegarth believes his pointed dome, and stress associated with this often misunderstood condition, has led him to take "some less than satisfactory decisions" in the last few months.
AVS is a rare condition when babies delivered by ventouse (where a cup is suckered to the babies head to pull them from the womb, and pulls the cranium into a temporary cone) retain their cone-headed appearance into adult life. Many sufferers lead normal lives, but always have the spectre of their strange headedness hanging over them. In its mildest form this causes anxiety, and ironically leads to hair loss, thus revealing the cone in its full glory. In more severe cases, such as Applegarth's, the behaviour can become borderline psychotic. Dr Phil, a fellow AVS sufferer, had some sympathy for Applegarth, saying ,"Its terrible, you look so ugly, and it hurts so bad, and you wanna not be so ugly, but you are."
As a youngster Applegarth was constantly frustrated at his inability to do a headstand, simply falling to one side whenever he tried. Ironically, this was a double whammy, as he saw the headstand as an ideal way to flatten his abnormal cranium. At the upper class Old Tonthensan Blithenham Tupenton Grammar School he was consistently rubbish at walking with a book on his head, and gained the nickname 'Fuckhead' for having a head that resembled a penis. He was a laughing stock.
A close associate of Applegarth's last night explained how, in adult life, he had originally embraced his weird head, and indeed, his appearances at fancy dress parties as Beldar Conehead were initially met with great mirth. But, as the source revealed, they soon "began to wear thin". Applegarth attempted to hide his condition with a strange toupee, but ended up looking like Bert from Sesame Street. In board meetings his toupee distracted fellow board members and a vote was taken for him to remove the offending item. As the AVS took a vice-like grip on Applegarth's life he descended into a dark AVS induced psychosis.
Anxiety caused by the piercing peak, and others perception that he was in fact from another planet, have led him to "take his eye of the ball" in terms of the Northern Rock strategy. A colleague who wishes to remain anonymous said that on one occasion Applegarth was needed for an urgent meeting and was found sanding his own head in one of the executive toilet cubicles. On this occasion he had even drawn blood and was forced to wear an inappropriate hat to conceal his grazed and bloody head. It was feared that investors from the City might be concerned by his erratic behaviour, so it was kept "in-house".
City investors were said to be "not taking this very seriously".