London - (Tossers Anonymous Mess): Former UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has sobbed his heart out and told reporters that his days in Number 10 were like being in an abusive, bullying relationship.
"I got screwed," Blair wept this weekend as the news broke that former WMD weapons inspector Dr Davis Kelly didn't conveniently suicide himself in July 2002.
Kelly's death sparked Whitehall's notorious Hutton Report whitewash which exonerated everybody about the Iraq War fiasco apart from some tossers at the BBC.
This weekend Blair has been lying low at an anonymous countryside retreat rehearsing some well-trodden lies.
Officials have just informed him that his arse is to be hauled next week before the House of Commons select committee on the Cash-for-Honors probe.
Despite having managed to suborn crucial witness testimony in the Honors enquiry Blair now fears he is heading for Tyburn .
A series of extraordinary forensic revelations show that Dr Kelly's death was a superbly staged construct and that everybody who knew about it somehow managed to get a peerage.
Reliable sources also suggest that the dumbass douchebag also lost a fortune last night by backing England to win the Rugby World Cup against South Africa.
Apparently Cherie's tarot reader told him to put his £500,000 book advance on an England win at Aintgottaprayer.com's tempting odds of 4/1.
"We are utterly, utterly screwed," were the only words audible from the Blair camp this morning.