London, Eng-er-land. - Scientists at the Institute of Physical Jerks in Norway believe they have isolated the rogue genetic sequence that causes British athletes to consistently blunder at important sports events.
The chromosome, provisionally named Henman 27, is part of an aggressive genetic code that has been the scourge of the British since the Wars of the Roses. The scientists consider that the chromosome is probably French in origin.
Although the Institute claim that the general public in the UK should not be alarmed, they do wish to illustrate that everyone is a carrier of the chromosome in some form. Professor Lars Magnussonsun me that the full-blown symptoms of "representing the UK in any competitive field" and "talking a good one and yet totally bottling it at a vital moment," are on the increase but still relatively rare.
The minor symptoms of Henman 27 are easier to identify. In the "carrier" phase, the victim will show signs of severe delusion and become painfully opinionated. Borderline racist patriotism and verbal diarrhoea quickly follow. Several days of disappointment and depression are not uncommon but afterwards recovery tends to be swift. The more severe indications of this genetic problem are not exclusive to sportsmen and women. Politicians, businessmen, high profile royals and estate agents are all known to suffer its curse.
This information comes at a particularly tender time in the British sporting calendar. England's demise at the Euro 2008 qualifying stages upset many ardent fans, and the England rugby XV's valiant but ultimately futile attempts at victory has left tears rolling down the supporter's puffy, painted faces.
On a more positive note, this UK contributor to TheSpoof.com would like to wish Lewis Hamilton the best of luck for his performance at the Brazilian Grand Prix today. He's a lovely lad but my money is on Alonso.