Written by Rodd Justice
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Sunday, 5 August 2001

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The cause of the unpleasantness

A gang of thieves, whose blatant scummery has shocked locals, has rocked Milton Keynes, North Bucks. They've been nicking public loo-rolls, and the council is doing practically absolutely nothing about it.

At the same time, local innocents using the facilities are left tissue-less. How much longer can MK dwellers keep "grinning and bearing" Mother Nature's chutney backlash? Rodd Justice says not long, and certainly not longer than 72 hours.

The result of this tomfoolery is an almighty stink, dubbed the "Smell of Fear", and on hot days the stench has become so unbearable it has been called "The Big Breakfast". Milton Keynes has called in US boffins from the University of Hardknox in Alabama to get rid of the stinking wiff. Dr Sylvester Stayathome, 53, beard, a bit weird looking, said, "the smell in many ways is very communal?the smell of lots of men together, it reminds me of my time working as a human cannonball for the Viet-Kong".

The Doc didn't seem to offer any viable solutions (mostly drivel and metaphor), apart from the installation of CCTV cameras, which the council took up. However, those dummies installed the lenses of the cameras the wrong way, making everything too small to see on the monitors. Consequently, three weeks worth of resources were not used on the stench problem, but instead on discovering whether or not ant-people were actually using the bogs.

The police eventually became interested when the story of local beauty Tara Endgame, 23.6, came to light in local rag "The Milton Keynes Pilchard". The shocking story began on a routine trip with her two post-foetal kids to the Citizens Advice Bureau, which ended in a three-way brown-trouser bus ride. Cute Tara said afterwards, "if I weren't such a low-grade slapper anyway, I'd feel humiliated by the experience".

Even if the culprits are caught, local law-men won't be able to dish out any serious hammer to the shameful wrong'uns - barmy Frenchmen have sorted Euro laws protecting the right to the roll, a landmark human rights case. Rodd Justice has got to ask: why can't we hammer the human wrongs, and dish out a slap in the chops for these sick chumps?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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