While the media concentrates on cocoa-drinking Sir Menzies Campbell's enforced resignation as leader of the Liberal Democrats, a more worrying story has emerged, namely that of a Scots conspiracy to transfer political power from London to Edinburgh.
This crazy Jacobite plan is being overseen by a secret Scots organisation called the Society of Holyrood for the Infiltration and Termination of England ("SHITE"), whose members include former Liberal leaders Sir David Steel, Charles Kennedy and Sir Menzies Campbell. SHITE's evil machinations have been stopped by a clever campaign by MI5 operatives to discredit its members and make them unelectable, including:
- Producing 1980s comedy show "Spitting Image", which depicted David Steel as a weak puppet controlled by SDP leader Sir David Owen.
- Slipping whiskey into Charles Kennedy's Irn Bru, to get him drunk every day.
- Putting Benzodiazepine (a form of sedative) into Sir Menzies Campbell's Haggis to change him from an Olympic athlete and top Scottish QC into a harmless fuddy duddy.
An MI5 source revealed that both Gordon Brown and David Cameron are also members of SHITE, adding:
"We managed to keep Brown out of power for over a decade, but we didn't reckon on his strong support among Labour Party members. David Cameron pretends to be English but he is really from Inverness. We hoped that David Davies would win the Tory leadership contest but SHITE managed to rig it in favour of Cameron."
The agent added that MI5 was behind the recent news story about an autumn election, which resulted in Gordon Brown's popularity plummeting. He added:
"Now we have to find a way to make David Cameron unpopular. But we can only do that if the Liberals elect an Englishman as their leader."
We asked Gordon Brown and David Cameron to talk about SHITE but they only spoke of their policies.