Royal Courts of Justice, London - (Perjurious Mess): Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were told by a senior divorce judge today that they are well on the slippery slope to bigamy trial oblivion after putting in fine perjurious performances to the court's arbitration service.
The has-been musician and his feuding wife were told their respective asset and liability fictions were milestones in the hystery of the Royal Courts of Justice's family division.
"Not since the Charles and Diana feud has this court heard a bigger load of codswallop from a divorcing couple about their personal circumstances," Lord Justice Titus said today.
The judge then warned that unless both parties come clean about respective matrimonial statuses before their 2003 wedding the prospect of a full-blown bigamy and fraud trial would see them banged up in Wormwood Scrubs for many years to come.
Heather Mills then flounced off in a huff, effing and blinding loudly about "stuff that's none of your goddam business."
Legal sources at the RCJ believe this is a direct reference to George W Bush having fathered her now-balding spawn, the impostor clone who has made such a successful career of impersonating Pretender to the Throne's son Prince William ever since Charles shot his four year old son in Kensington Palace during a crack cocaine-fuelled binge-out.
McCartney meanwhile has to explain why former UK Prime Monster Margaret Thatcher has tested as a DNA direct match as being his mother, and Cherie Blair as his uterine sister.
The case was adjourned.