Written by Candice Hitler
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Topics: Health, NHS

Thursday, 11 October 2007

image for Deathbed Bug
Steven was eight feet tall yet remained unseen for 3 weeks

A hospital bug the size of a big idea was captured today after apparently roaming the roach-lined corridors of an NHS minibus-hospital. The bug was apprehended and questioned by pest controlling pest Dean Snodgrass and was later forced to apologies to 90 dead patients.

The super bug officially called 'Clostridium difficile' but preferring the name Steven had been unplugging patients attached to critical hamster-powered life support machines.

Staff aboard the NHS minibus told one reporter that the government had cut so much funding that nurses were forced to buy uniforms from sex shops and doctors frequently used kitchen sink plugs as stethoscopes.

When asked why nobody bothered to clean the bloody place up once in a while staff sited a lack of 'initiative' as a valid justification and went off to inject themselves with medical use morphine before laughing hysterically at a lady's burst appendix.

The Healthcare Commission responsible for blaming other non-governmental affiliated people said a rise in the number of people trying to be terminally ill had caused the backlog of cleaning staff.

A report imagined up today reveals that cleaning staff were told to use basic Asda cleaning products as medical tools.

Jane Stool, a full time occasional cleaner on board the minibus, was asked to use her dustpan and brush to temporarily store one man's heart.

'It happens every day. A colleague of mine was told to use a dustbuster for a routine liposuction operation and another was told if she didn't stem the flow of blood with her toilet brush she would be sat on by all the surgeons in the staff room'.

The moral of this story - don't be ill. And if you have to be ill, do it abroad.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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