Written by Candice Hitler
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Topics: Gay, DIY

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

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Too big for Norton

Overly-homosexual Irish innuendo peddler Graham Norton is releasing his own range of gay-friendly DIY products. The bum-loving leprechaun expects his 'Poof's Powertools' to hit (and fix) shelves in time for the inevitable sludgy torrent that is Christmas.

Among the range is the 'Lets Have A Quick Screwdriver' which features a pink velour handle and vibrating latex chuck key. Diana Ross's sonically mis-shapen gay anthem 'I Will Survive' will drown out any 'yucky' extraneous noise the machine may produce. The item is expected to cost £29.999 from most leading Argos stockists.

Also to feature is Norton's 'Fruity Filler'; a polyfiller that contains gay/woman only ingredients such as aloe vera and snail's nose extract. The filler will 'soften, moisturise and add natural tan' when applied to walls with the hands or face. The item will be marketed with hasty slogan 'Fill A Fruit's Hole' and is shaping up to be this season's must avoid.

Reports also list in the upcoming range; a 'homohammer' that electronically taps very lightly so it can be used whilst watching E4's middle American, middle of the road, drama tragedies and an ironic plug socket set shaped like impish scene-sinker Leonardo DiCaprio.

Will the pink pound save Norton's flagging media career or will he wish he hadn't done it himself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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