The future of the Royal Mail is in jeopardy as it reaches "the tiny bit uncomfortable" point in its dispute with workers, a senior stamp licker has warned.
The company is already in the grip of the biggest strike for 3 weeks, which has cost it £12.54 and left 3 letters and 2 packages piled up in sorting offices. Business groups have warned that firms have already begun to desert Royal Mail for little Jimmy & his mates tricycle courier service.
However, worse is to come next week as unofficial actions are set to begin after the breakdown of talks between management and the unions.
Some of the action planned is truly despicable. An un-named Union Official said: "we've issued the troops with tippex, steam irons & syringes filled with poo. The tippex will be used to alter postcodes, which will mean mail going to the wrong address. The steam irons & syringes, well, you work it out numnuts".
Baroness Bossi, a non-executive director on the Royal Mail board since 2004 and a former union official, warned that it was "a bit of a bummer" for the organisation, adding: "There ain't going to be a future unless the Royal Mail realises its sole function is to provide workers with cups of tea, bicycles, baggy shorts, bright jackets & as many letters as they can open".
"I don't think the management can give in cos we're not sure what the argument is. Now if the Unions could tell us what it is we've done wrong, I'm sure we can sort it out over a nice cup of tea & a jaffa cake. Our competitors are loving this, Little Jimmy & his mates will have cleaned up all the business in West Orpington by a week next Tuesday."
Little Jimmy was unavailable for comment, as he'd been involved in a mysterious tricycle accident. His best friend and colleague Ben said, "poor Jimmy, he was nobbled mate, there's some powerful forces at work in this business. That large stick had deliberately been placed on the pavement. Someone knew that Jimmy always took that corner fast, it was right on the racing line."
Baroness Bossi said there were people around the leadership of the Communication Workers' Union who were using the strike to get extra time off work. She even hinted that one leader had taken the opportunity to have a short break in Brussels with his pet frog, Imogen. We were unable to verify these rumours as our reporter is scared stiff of frogs & Brussels is a very long way away.
The combined effect of the stoppages are likely to affect services "for about 20 minutes".
Chris Ginnerevans, the head of gossip at the British Chambers of Commerce, said: "This strike is having a real impact on businesses, forcing them to seek alternatives to Royal Mail." He said BCC members were using illegal immigrants, email and even not sending documents at all. The reported number of cases of documents being shredded instead of being delivered, has increased by more than 2.6897% this week. Mrs Prendergast in accounts, has been seen in the pub drinking Jack Daniels & absinthe, the stress of the dispute is having a real effect on real people.
The Department of Work and Pensions used a courier firm to send out 400,000 junk mail shots.
"Without a swift end to strike action, these alternatives will become a permanent choice for many businesses who have simply lost faith in Royal Mail's service. We would never have been able to spend our full budget this year if it had n't been for the horrendous cost of the Junk Mail shot, well done Royal Mail"