Written by Kani Avadabadat
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Tuesday, 9 October 2007

image for David Davies "not real" admits Cameron
One of Mr Davies' Eyelids, today after dismantling

Shocking news emerged from Whitehall earlier today, further to a memo leaked late on Monday that suggested Davies was, in fact, completely fake. The memo was first ignored, then denied, then accepted, then ignored again, before being admitted as "almost entirely without untruth" this morning by senior Tory sources.

David Cameron himself was seen to visibly evacuate and head straight for the Common's lavatories in sheer terror on hearing that the news had broken.

The memo - from the office of long-time Davies sympathiser Reg Finkelhorn - referred explicitly to "Spare parts & labour fees" needed for Davies' "Eyebrow manifold sprockets & mechanical lips". The reports and further investigations by the media which had shadow-cabinet ministers running for cover as early as 11 O'Clock this morning were quick to follow, and of course pointed out the deception involved in operating an entirely fake MP. It is thought to be a public relations disaster for the conservatives - still reeling from Septembers "pubegate" scandal.

It is widely accepted that an intern on work experience was responsible for the breach of security. An internal enquiry will take place detailing how the intern was released from tea-making and allowed near the photocopier.

As journalists on the trail reported on the story in their late news bulletins last night, reports came in from all over on the effects of the story - the stench of fear was even detected as far away as Benfleet, Essex by the time the presses rolled this morning.

A rushed statement was issued by Mr Davies' office at 3PM today, admitting to the MP's body being "Mainly corrugated cardboard, held together with chewing-gum and paperclips" He is said to have "...a mechanical head covered mainly in bacon strips and whitened with make-up, a bit like in 'Terminator'".

Damage limitation seemed to be the order of the day in Tory head office, as David Cameron himself was eventually forced with a large shoehorn to let go of the U-bend.

Once pushed at gunpoint by Michael Heseltine into the path of several news cameras he released the following statement:

"We have dismantled David Davies and realise that it was very, very naughty indeed to mislead the British public in this way. Please rest assured that Mr Davies was the only remaining non-real member of the shadow cabinet, down from almost 30% in 1997. All fake MPs have now been sent away for recycling as part of the green conservative initiative. "It really is testament to British innovation that he was not spotted earlier" he continued.

He then went on to point out that Gordon Brown is "a big Gaylord who wears Gola trainers" and has got, in Mr Cameron's words: "No mates, no mates at all"

Mr Davies was unavailable for comment this evening, it is thought that he will be made into a speaking clock for one of the new EU nations as a gift from the Tory party.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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