Sanctimonious Git Jeremy Kyle's family have all asked for a DNA test, to prove whether or not the Human Bear Baiter is a family member, or simply a bloke that they know.
His parents, Mr and Mrs Kyle said: 'He is always casting allegations on his show about the moral fibre of his guests. We watch it, from behind the sofa, obviously the place from where he watched Doctor Who and the Clangers as a child, when he got scared. He says he is brave on his show and will stand up to all these people, but if he ever met the Soup Dragon in real life, he would run away as fast as he could, and he runs like a girl, and we don't mean Paula Radcliffe'
His children also asked for the tests, but just to prove to their friends that 'Our Dad is tougher than your Dad'. They hope their Dad is not the Half Man/Half Bear creature that they know from the local circus.
A close friend of Mr Kyle was unavailable for comment, and said that they needed more money than we could really afford to pay.