Gordon Brown has today announced that he has ordered Royal Mail to end their worker's dispute, or to hire new staff.
Staff have been staging one of the biggest walkouts in the history of the Post Office, in protest of the lack of protective gear to keep the posties safe from modern society.
On a daily basis, postal workers run the risk of being spat at, punched, stabbed, shot, and run over. Long gone are the days when a postman's worst fear was having his fingers licked by a friendly labrador puppy. Now he is more likely to be mauled to death by a rabid pit bull.
Union officials have accused the company of putting forward "unacceptable" conditions.
"We simply refuse to continue working without adequate protection from today's scum bag society," said a union spokeswoman. "At the very least our people need bullet proof glass in their vans, kevlar vests, and police-style riot helmets. And if possible tazers and/or pepper spray for added protection."
Royal Mail has described the union's demands as "unrealistic".
"They should stop bloody moaning and get on with the job," insist Royal Mail bosses. "We just don't make enough revenue from post to make their demands viable - we lose 2p on every letter we process. We can't just raise the price of a stamp by 4p. That's far too complicated."
Speaking exclusively to The Spoof, Mr. Brown said that the postal strike had had the biggest impact on this country since the great horse depression of 1727.
"The strike action is outrageous," said the PM. "It makes a real mockery of this country's finest institutions. Plus, it's bad for the opinion polls.
"Worst of all, it's my son's birthday on the 17th and my wife's birthday on the 31st. Those bastards had better deliver their cards or there'll be hell to pay!"