Written by Candice Hitler
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Monday, 8 October 2007

image for Oliver Cooks His Own Face
Artists impression of Oliver's face as a finished dish.

Drool lipped mockney foodster Jamie Oliver is currently under observation in Camden Holistic Hospital today after suffering third degree burns to his boat race (face). Oliver (19) was rushed, in a carbon neutral rickshaw ambulance, to the hospital where he was begrudgingly given constructive facial and spiritual surgery.

Sources uncomfortably close to the child prodigy inform us that Oliver was looking for the 'moistest, most pukkaest piece of meat' available. It was at this point that the teen chef, who already suffers from a rare condition known as 'culinary dwarfism' decided to shallow fry his own face to sear the flavour in, before roughly chopping some organic garlic and stuffing his own huge mouth hole.

Jane foster who works alongside Oliver in the critically indifferent restaurant '19' witnessed the ordeal. 'It was just another average normal everyday day in the restaurant. Jamie was chopping some soup and I was wiping down any excess saliva he produced. Next thing I know he's thrashing about with his face in the pan, screaming something about 'how mint his face was going to taste'. I had to physically restrain him from then baking his head at gas mark 6 on a bed of rustic vegetables.'

A spokesman for the family today insisted that Oliver would make a full and fast recovery, also telling the press that 'Jamie will be back in the kitchen in no time, albeit with slightly more melted features.'

Fans of the celebrity whose TV shows include 'Cooking In A Pick Up Truck' and 'Food For Firemen' have been on a 24 hour vigil outside the infirmary. Fellow televison celebrities and personal friends of Mr Oliver such as Clare Rayner and Ed the Duck have also publicly expressed their well wishes.

A spokesman for top ten national supermarket 'Sainsbury's' told us that whilst they wished the Oliver family all the best they could not continue their contract with Jamie as his new image was not conducive to eating or being looked at.' Oliver is reported to be in talks with 'Spar' about a new contract.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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