Television Center, London - (Rotters): BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce has been dumped from her impending new Antiques Roadshow anchorwoman's job after a hysterical performance presenting the Ten O'Clock News tonight and is now being relegated to the early-onset dementia AM timeslot fronting the Trash in the Attic show.
"Something sure got up Bruce's ass tonight," a Broadcasting House colleague said later.
"The producer very nearly stopped the broadcast to drag her outside and punch her in her silly fat gob," another hack added.
"Then the entire newsroom thought studio bosses would send in the men in white coats after Fiona Bruce virtually boiled over the opening item about 'poor Prince William' and his lurvely girlfriend Kate Middleton 'hounded mercilessly by the paparazzi just like poor old Diana'.
"It was just so embarrassing...Like she should care!"
Eyes flashing venom, heart visibly pounding through the fabric of her faux Chanel jacket, the enraged BBC newsreader spat out the words of the top two stories about the royals as if her OBE literally depended on it.
After the transmission a hack close to the BBC newsroom editor said that Bruce had recently re-hired her lawyers who took care of a little maternity matter 25 years ago.
Some heartless sources have suggested that Bruce may be responsible for the stick-insect impostor currently impersonating desperate royal wannabe Ms Middleton.
"But that surely would reduce the BBC to farcical levels not seen since David Dimbleby's arse-licking performance commentating on the funeral of the late Queen Mother."
Prince Charles is beyond himself with panic.