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Monday, 1 October 2007

image for Chimpanzee Gunned Down On Tube by Armed Response Unit
Hang the Monkey!

Animal activists and small children were today mourning cute little chimpanzee Jonnie who was fatally shot over the weekend.

Jonnie and fellow chimp Coco, reported to be members of the militant "Equality for Chimps Underground Movement" were reported to have tunnelled out of their cage at Whipsnade Zoo over the weekend armed with sharpened twigs and AK-47's.

A keeper managed to recapture the younger chimp Coco, using the old "Can I see your passport, please?" trick but Jonnie didn't fall for it and ran.

Jonnie was later shot 3 times in the head by 14 armed policemen while boarding a tube and was found not be carrying a gun. British armed response officers do not carry animal sedative due to it being 4p per annum more expensive than bullets.

Eye Witness Beryl Milward travelling from Euston to Victoria stated,"One minute he was sat on my knee eating a banana and looking out the window, the next he was splattered all over the floor."

However, a police spokesman later stated,"He could've been carrying anything under that fur coat. We had to assume the worst particularly after reports came in from a drunken student that the monkey was carrying an AK-47."

Police chiefs are said to be devastated over the killing as due to special British laws the murder of an immigrant in circumstances such as these will usually result in a cover-up, whilst the murder of a cute fluffy animal merits a full enquiry.

"Thank God we didn't gun down a bunny on the tube in front of witnesses," commented one armed response force officer.

Whipsnade Zoo released the following statement," The dead monkey was particularly old, ugly and unpopular, not in the least bit cute and highly likely to slaughter civilians en masse due to being a hardened criminal."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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