Written by Kent Pete
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Saturday, 29 September 2007

image for "I'll imprison myself over Christmas" says serial thief Edwards
Dave : A Gentleman thief?

In a display of moral integrity not seen in Britain since the days of Jim Bowen's 'Bullseye', serial thief and part time Housing officer, Dave Edwards of Collingwood Avenue, Bromley, promised to imprison himself if he wasn't caught before Christmas.

Talking to our Home Affairs correspondent, the modern day Raffles said,

"It only seems right. Over the last 3 months I have stolen six Playstation 3 consoles, twenty three PS3 games, including Warhawk and Football Manager 2008. I have also lifted at least four HD ready Sony televisions and over one hundred high quality DVD's including the ever popular,'It's a Wonderful Life'.

"The police seem unable or unwilling to do anything about me. I'm a public menace and truly believe it would be better for everyone if I imprisoned myself over the Christmas period. If nothing has been done, I shall lock myself in my bedroom from Sunday the 23rd of December until Tuesday January 1st when Charlton take on Colchester at the Valley. I believe it is my civic duty. If the police can't catch me I'll do their job for them."

Mr Edward's altruistic behaviour appeared to have the full backing of his wife. Talking in the kind of accent not heard in London since Dick Van Dyke's 'Bert' in Mary Poppins, Jane Edwards said,

"Oh yes this is not the first time my husband has done this. He done it last Christmas as well. It was a shame as my sister came over with her four teenage sons and I know they would loved to have seen their Uncle Dave but he's a man of principle.

"It is difficult on our kids though, they really miss him. Sally and Tom are only 4 and 6 years old. I tell them daddy is working when he's actually upstairs in the loft. I do insist on him taking up the television and playstation though, after all, they have them in real prison's now don't they.

"He doesn't let himself get away with anything. Last year he imprisoned himself for two weeks for allegedly attacking a coast guard with a spear. He would have got away with it as well as no-one reported the incident but as he said to me at the time, 'I know I have done it love'.

"It was a shame as it coincided with my mother coming down to stay but that's life I suppose. It's never easy living with a modern day saint."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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