Written by Velveeta Peron
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Topics: Internet, ASBO

Friday, 28 September 2007

image for Judge Issues ABSOs to Mirror's Maddy Forum Members

A High Court justice today issued life long ABSOs against 97-odd (barking, surely?-ed.) posters at The Mirror's Hunt for Maddy internet forum.

"Having read and heard and seen the evidence in the case, I shall require a good, long bath such as I have never known," declared The Hon. Mr Justice Johnny Town-Mouse. "I've sent people who make more sense to Broadmoor."

During the hearing, the Crown Prosecution Service submitted evidence proving:

  • Delusional beliefs that challenges to DNA evidence would result in the release of thousands of the worst beasty baby-killers from prisons
  • Allegations of madness, evil and swinging in others by persons medically unqualified to accurately diagnose, morally incapable of making such distinctions, and too bloody ugly to pull
  • Rampant megalomania
  • Wilful disregard for and general ignorance of the nature of libel
  • Appalling spelling, grammar and basic reasoning skills
  • Several examples of multi-stanza compositions, described as poetry, capable of inducing nausea, vertigo and diabetic coma in the mentally sound.

Two of the defendants face separate charges for wilfully administering a noxious substance.

During the trial, several of the accused were shocked to learn that 'it's just my opinion' is not an exculpatory defense. Others were kept in the dock after brain scans proved they were capable of forming intent.

Said the justice: "I am gravely concerned about the amount of internet access the psychiatric services are granting no-hopers in the common room."

Undaunted, several of the guilty alleged a vast, thinking person's conspiracy and vowed to take their pitch forks and flaming torches with them to Dartmoor.

Passing sentence, Justice Town-Mouse told the angry mob: "You are the greatest threat to civil society this court has ever seen. I fear for the nation. It is evident to me now that madness and stupidity are deeply entrenched in Britain."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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