Royal Courts of Justice, London - (ReUterus): Jurors selected for the Whitehall farce that is masquerading as Diana, Princess of Wales' inquest have been told to brace themselves for the worst as troops formerly deployed in Northern Ireland and the Middle East take up their positions guarding the courtroom.
British security and intelligence top brass have insisted on the heavy military presence after confirming that two leading witnesses to the August 1997 crash have been suborned on the orders of President George W Bush and gagged from giving evidence in the long-awaited hearing.
Inquest chief investigator and former Met Commissioner Lord Stevens initially secured corroborated testimony from the witnesses which NATO sources have called 'a damning indictment on the Bush family mobster cartel'.
However ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett somehow managed to steal the evidence which he later claimed was 'accidentally destroyed' when his guide-dog Kipper ate the paperwork.
"Basically the ex-KGB head Vladimir Sputum was running Diana as a sleeper agent for the Russian oil and gas industry," a Justice Ministry source said today.
"When she got too greedy and started believing her own mythology she rapidly became obsolete.
"The rest is, as they say, hystery."