Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Health, London

Tuesday, 16 March 2004

image for London Do-nut attack "inevitable" warns Health Secretary
The next London killer

Forget terrorists. Forget bombs on trains, in shopping centres, in airports. The great threat to the population of London at this moment in time comes from - do-nuts.

"I don't think the people of London are taking this issue seriously enough at all," says Health Secretary Dr John Reid, the tough Scots dwarf brought into the Health Department by Tony Blair to frighten people away from the NHS. "If they knew how dangerous these things were we would have protests in the streets to make Madrid last week look like a Church Parade."

And ‘these things" are?

Krispy Kreme do-nuts.

"One chocolate iced cruller has more calories than a whole Aberdeen Angus, roast, braised or grilled. And a glazed devil's food - well, it speaks for itself. The work of Satan in its most insidious form. I tell you, if this vile pestilence spreads around the capital we'll have fat people exploding all over the place. The environmental implications alone are horrendous."

"Krispy Kreme do-nuts are a healthy choice for the calorie-conscious consumer" says KK's spokesfatty Lucy "two chins" Lard. "Compared to a ton-and-a-half of pure animal fat they are lighter in calories, have less cholesterol, and are much easier to carry. Granted they are more expensive - but you get what you pay for. We look forward to expanding from Harrods to flood London with delicious, healthy, life-enhancing Krispy Kreme killers as soon as we can."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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