Broadcasting House - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): It's sordid, it's deceitful and it's been staring nearly 45 million UK TV licence payers in the face for decades.
That, at least, is the latest DNA shock horror revelation from our mole at the UK's DNA database after genetic fingerprinting matches were found for a top BBC newsreader being the blood mother of silly flat-chested stick insect and royal wannabe Kate Middleton.
"Kate is a changeling who was thrust into the Middleton nest after the original fledgeling suddenly vanished," an Interpol source confirmed today.
"And in her place the bastard daughter of a Beeb monstrous egomaniac newsreader was rapidly featherbedded," the source continued.
"But the deception was rumbled early on when this Broadcasting House diva was suddenly outed as the daughter of UK TV licence payers' all time chimera nightmare herself, Angela Rippon.
"Spontaneous projectile vomiting syndrome then broke out at New Scotland yard, at spooks' eerie Thames House, at the GCHQ listening station in Cheltenham and at NATO HQ in Brussels!"
Chelsy Davey is 21.