Police have revealed that a man who killed himself in a Woolworth's store was training to be a suicide bomber.
18-year old Ben Dover was a first year student at the Terrorist Academy of Surrey at Guildford, whose alumni can be found in the graveyards of religious establishments up and down the country. The college turns out some of the best suicide bombers in the world. He was in Woolworth's as part of a practical exercise during his first term but was not supposed to kill himself.
Dover's tutor, Sheikh Yer Booty, told our reporter:
"Ben was a model student. Always blowing things up and fighting with his classmates. I'm very sad to hear of his demise."
The college detonated a small bomb over his coffin as a mark of respect.
Dover apparently burst into the Woolworth's store, waving a knife, shouted "God is Pretty Good" and then stabbed himself in view of customers and staff.
Classmates expressed sadness at his death and have laid a wreath of hand grenades on the pavement near where he died.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for the People's Front of Judiah said that his organisation would be boycotting the funeral.
"We're doing a Gordon Brown. Dover's stunt was a sick parody of one of our holiest of rituals."