Bournemouth - (Disaster Press): Hellfire Club grandees meeting ahead of the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth next week are terrified that the Autumn Equinox on Sunday will see the realisation of their worst fears after a muted recovery by the ailing Northern Rock bank mid-week.
"Things look like they're stabilising," said a Hellfire spokesman in the Treasury today, "but all our sky watching tells us the wind is about to change along with the Equinox this weekend.
"Added to that it's Saudi National Day.
"And our moles in the Serious & Disorganised Fraud Squad think the US's BAE slush fund probe resurrection might spring a surprise on the fatcats who creamed off Prince Bandar's largesse.
"We always know when something's up because daftass PR kicks into play such as CIA leaks saying "All Investigations Dropped" and "Racy New Cherie Biography Imminent!"
"But what we're really dreading is Margaret Thatcher giving the keynote address.
"Which looks like happening after that compassionate grounds visit to Gordo last week."
Lord Levy is still in hiding.