Rothley, Leicestershire - (Whatacheek Mess): The parents of Madeleine McCann have lobbied the Queen to make a public TV appeal to find their little daughter after Portuguese police claims that "the McCanns probably did it."
Old Fatty Mountbatten is the only major Global Piss Process luminary to have been sidelined from the Diana-style PR circus that the McCanns have employed to set their agenda since little Maddie vanished on May 3rd.
However, unlike the Pope, the Puppet Monarch doesn't usually make TV appearances unless there's some mileage in it - like the Diana funeral.
But now a Glaswegian second cousin of Gerry McCanns said today he thought "he might be able to get a toehold into Balmoral Castle" after threatening to expose himself as a new witness on the night of Princess Di's car crash.
"If that doesn't do it a direct DNA link to Bonnie Prince Charlie and Mary Queen of Scots could put the frighteners up her like never before!"