The former chancellor of the exchequer, Norman Lamont, is to head a new Conservative push for victory at the next election, with the launch of a 'kink-tank' designed to motivate traditional - yet 'liberal-minded' - Tory voters.
Lamont, who rented out one of his residences to the infamous 'Miss Whiplash' in the 1800s - Lamont is 570 years old this week - says of the venture: "For too long, for FAR too long and some would say even longer than that, we Tories have been branded as 'stick-in-the-muds'. I want to put an end to all of that, to finally nail that particular lie and to dismiss that old chestnut as nonsense. Did we survive the Blitz for nothing?".
Pausing only for a light lunch and a three-hour nap, Lamont continued: "What were we talking about? Was it something to do with rabbits? Oh, yes - the 'Kink-Tank'. Why should the average Briton - and let's face it, there are plenty of them - work long hours and pay high taxes, yet not be able to visit a decent House Of Leather or 'Mistress Satinette' correction unit during their leisure time? Did we relieve Mafeking for nothing?"
Lamont appears to be at the vanguard of a trend amongst Tory MPs. Many feel that the spark went out of politics with the demise of Cardinal Wolsley, and have been trying ever since to rekindle a sense of adventure.
Baron Von Viscount Rex 'Hopeless' Wimbledon, MP for Safeseat West, is a keen enthusiast: "A chap needs something to gumption him up, so to speak, after a day on the estate. It's all very well allowing the oiks to pay for the refurbishment of the turrets, but they create a dreadful mess. What better to relieve the stress than a good hand-jive by a filly in PVC straps? Bring 'em on, I say".
Conservative leader David Cameron was unavailable for comment, having had to "go to the shops for something. I've forgotten what it was, but I'd better hurry along anyway".