An immigration judge has upheld an appeal by the Devil against a refusal by the Secretary of State to grant him asylum in the UK. The judge, in between smoking cannabis and bonking his cleaner, came out to announce his decision, saying:
"The Devil is a victim of circumstance. If he is returned to Hell, I am satisfied that he will be prodded with hot irons and be forced to live in endless torment."
The Government had fought the case on the basis that the Devil's torment was entirely of his own making and that Hell was only an inferno because He has made it so. However, this was rejected and now the Devil looks set to be granted a 2-bedroom flat in Hemel Hempstead, together with a bus pass and free National Health treatment.
The Devil said that he was delighted at the verdict and now plans to bring his relatives, whom he jokingly referred to as "my vast Army of Darkness", to the UK.
The Government has said that it will not be appealing the decision. A member of their legal team said:
"It's unlikely that the country is going to get any worse than it already is."