In a development so unforeseen that nobody, uh, foresaw it, HM the Queen and HRH Prince Phillip today made their divorce official at the Westminster Register Office. Veteran Royal-watchers, long listed in the Guinness Book as "most useless human beings" [with Royals themselves running a close second] were however not surprised. They point out that since the Royal family has already had three divorces, it just makes sense for them to have one more and thus make it an even number.
Barristers for both HM and HRH have been struggling to work out an amicable parting, but this has been a herculean task given the parties' animosity toward each other. When one of HM's solicitors suggested to HRH that they "split the property right down the middle" his response was to go to the Tower of London, fetch the Coronation Crown, and chop it in half with his chain saw.
The Royal couple did however grudgingly agree to one last press conference together. "I shall no longer live in my husband's shadow. Especially not the shadow of his enormous nose." said the Queen, who then, while sneering contemptuously at the seething Prince, added "And his nose is the ONLY part of him that anyone could describe as 'enormous', if you know what I mean.
"Our entire marriage was a sham - all 59 years of it. We've only been staying together for the sake of the children, and the Commonwealth. I mean, just look - the children are already off to the shrink, and Australia and Canada have just declared themselves republics. Still, I couldn't stand another day of it."
"She's the reason our children are so ugly." said HRH Prince Phillip. Do you know the real reason the Queen stopped riding horses? It got too hard to tell which one of them was the horse! HA! Good one, eh? I used to tell the same joke about Anne. It still works with both of them.
"And it shows, that Windsor blood. Double-bagger mirror-crackers, the lot of them. Except for Andrew, of course. He's so good-looking, he can't be HERS".
It now appears that the REAL marital incompatibility between the Queen and Prince is the oldest one in the book. Or as HRH delicately puts it: "A man has certain needs, even at my age, if you catch my drift. Needs which have gone unsatisfied. Must I spell it out? The only man who's been in the Queen's bedroom these 30 years is Michael Fagan, if you again catch my drift."
"That's all you ever think about!" countered the Queen. "We've got four children, and thus have done 'it' the regulation four times. Or at least 3 times - Andrew IS way better looking than the rest of us, now that I think of it. No way he's yours. So let's call it three times, absolute minimum. And now we have The Heir-Plus-Three-Spares. So what more did you want? We've more than done our duty to England."
HRH replied, "See? I rest my case."
"And then again, maybe Fagan just showed me what I'VE been missing." said HM with a leer and an unusually explicit hand gesture made in the Prince's direction. Upon hearing this, HRH lunged at the Queen and was tackled by her bodyguards.
HM sniffed, "I just hope he enjoys being a peasant."