Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: puzzle, Numbers

Friday, 12 March 2004

New statistics released this week in the UK reveal that the numbers of teenagers shagging and getting up the duff remains as high as it ever was. According to National Statistics Office figures, the rate of teenage pregnancies has not changed much since the mid 1970's. And apparently nobody really knows why...

Of course there are those who say that that nothing has changed because teenagers haven't been paying the slightest bit of attention to advice from po-faced adults who want to keep the delights of sex to themselves. "The little buggers don't listen to a word we tell ‘em - about hell-fire, syphilis, or their genitals falling off" says the Church of England's spokesman on Sexual Affairs, Bishop Roman Billabong. "Even a good spanking with a table-tennis bat doesn't have any effect - and take it from me I've tried that."

And there are those who say there are clear links between high pregnancy rates and other forms of social deprivation. "Poor people breed like rabbits" says Audrey fforbes-ffrobisher of the "Stop Poor People Having Sex" Society. "Until we can stop them performing their dirty little acts in phone boxes and lifts and shop changing rooms, we'll continue to be overrun by smelly undernourished runts with no proper clothes and bad teeth. Giving them money doesn't help - they spend it on drugs and Chinese food. We must be prepared to undertake a radical programme of surgery."

The truth, of course is obvious - so obvious no-one believes it. Young people have sex because it's the best thing you can do with your free time. Once boys and girls discover that playing hide the sausage means the best fun ever, why should they stop? "Fucking fucking is the best fucking thing ever fucking invented" pants 15 year old Steve Yob as he gives his 14 year old girlfriend a frenzied poking on the back seat of his brother's Ford Escort. "Why would I want to watch telly when I could be doing this?" Sharon agrees, though it's difficult for her to speak as by now her mouth's full of Steve. "It'm mucking hreat" is all she can manage.

Is that really so hard to understand?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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